I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
