Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
