Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
When did angry sex become our thing?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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