Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
