Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
