Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
