Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
