Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
