You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
