Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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