Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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