Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
