Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
