Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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