in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am one with the molecules
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
