best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize