You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
