Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
