I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
