I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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