But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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