i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
