that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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