I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
