When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
