Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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