Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
