WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
