wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
