I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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