rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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