But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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