made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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