I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You took a bar mat shot.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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