Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
