My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
