someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
did i walk over a car last night?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
