He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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