trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
