I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm getting married
To pizza
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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