he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize