then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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