I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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