dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
