So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
