Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Houston, we have a blender
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
