you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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