I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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