someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
