it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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