I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
