That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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