She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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