Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
