Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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