She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
