my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
