So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
sarcasm needs its own font
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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