I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize