im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
