Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
